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| I don't know if you'll ever get to read this, Dad. But I was wrong. You ARE a good man. You have done nothing but rear me in the direction I should take in life, take care of me as if I am still a child, mold me everyday...to become a person just like you..a person of wisdom and intelligence. I threw all of that away because of my stubbornness, of stupid beliefs. You didn't have to save me from anything had I not thrown myself into a pit, and I ask why you don't save me, but you have...so many times already. And now, I need to do the saving myself. I WILL make you proud of me again, no matter what it takes.
I love you dearly, Dad, more than you'll ever know. | | |
| Forever shall I swim in memories - memories of when I was a child, when everything was perfect. When I would sleep on my father's stomach, or lay my head on my mother's lap; when I could actually still recognize my emotions...because now, I am lost at sea...the emotions that I show are hardly ever real.
XXXXX : i know it's hard for you, and that's probably one reason why i am talking to you now
XXXXX : coz i also know how hard it is for your dad right now
Myself : i really don't know what to say anymore
Myself : i'm just hurting
XXXXX : he doesn't seem to stop preparing for your sake
XXXXX : for as long as he is alive, all he will think of would be your future, your welfare, your stability
XXXXX : i know, your dad's hurting too, sobrang obvious
Myself: you don't have to tell me that. i know even if i don't see or talk to him
XXXXX: by the way, he was so happy to have received your greeting on his birthday
XXXXX : he showed your message to me, i smiled
XXXXX : the last time we talked about you, he wanted to know if you are still interested in pursuing the US plans, are you?
Myself : he knows the answer to that
Myself : i told him myself
Myself : and i'd rather have him stick to his word
Myself : he said he will no longer interfere
Myself : and as for me, i will not want to have his pity, because i don't need it
XXXXX : all i can say is that you're so lucky to have a dad like yours. if you already have new plans, it might be worth letting him know because up to this time, he is still spending time pursuing the old plan.
XXXXX : goodnight rina. you are old enough to know what you should or should not do. hurt is temporary. it will pass. but your dad's love for you never will...
YM Conversation©
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| I am what I am in the eyes of God...nothing more, nothing less. | | |
| The rain fills up the blues. And sometimes I want to die under it even. Where is that one soul who who can touch my scars and feel all this pain? There is truth in not wanting to die.....and just wanting the pain to go away. This lonely, lonely soul...lost in the sea of people who move around their own mundane world. Those who do not understand what is truly significant in this lifetime. What is ideal is what we all eventually long for in the end. And I have been on that other side of the rope for a long time now. I do not have the power to make people grow out of their foolish ways. I can only look from afar. Sometimes, I am tired of criticizing...."these little children. I pity them. they are happy too often...and over things that mean absolutely nothing."
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| I am once again drowing into the black abyss that men have made. I can't even write anymore. Crisis and chaos have taken away the time I have for myself to look upon my life. Who I am to fool myself? Who I am to fool others into believing that I have the courage, still, to step up to the plate...but what now? To reveal my weakness? To reveal the fact that I am a failure? I wake up every morning afraid of life. The sheets that used to cover me can no longer protect me from the cold. I cannot offer the protection people used to look up to me for. I cannot offer them satisfaction, or pride. I am too vulnerable to carry out emotion. I cry, at least I try, but even tears do not form in my eyes. I do not have a simple solution. I am mad at every person who has made me cut myself, for they have done nothing to stop me from bleeding. I die every single day, and from the moment I had started dying, they had not let me move on and live. They eat my flesh in daylight and let me suffer at night. Sleepless nights would be better for me perhaps than wanting to kill my emotions by making myself unconcious. It is not easy to think of what I am supposed to say anymore, and why am I even thinking? I do not know the truth. My father brought me up believing that he is a good man. Now, I do not know him. He is a stranger to me, a stranger who gives me enough grief to not call him one, and yet, it is hard for me to recognize him. He gave me a teddy bear when I was little; toys, chocolates, anything to please my young and innocent soul. He has never known me to this day. He cannot save me. He didn't if he knew. Why should I call him a father if he cannot protect me? From nature's deceits, and the demons inside my head. Love and money run the world, as they say about reality. Does my mother have anything to do with me? Is she keeping me for money? I cannot save her. Only she can save herself. Being older doesn't make people wise. The heart does. And the mind is its enemy. I buy books and never read them. I look at their covers when I get the chance. I see in the eyes of the author what he/she is trying to tell others. It's not that difficult. I would look a billion times if I have to, it keeps as a reminder of what I have to do. The heart says of words untold, and words don't always tell of what the heart knows. We are not deceived by people themselves, we are deceived by what we take in, what we make ourselves believe. Lies do not make a person evil. It's evil ways, and not an evil man. I was working on a book, but sadly never finished it. What am I to say to the world? That a man I trusted had taken away my dignity? That an old woman told me she is saving me grace? I am not shameless! People think whatever they want to think, and although I do not care, I want people to understand, not me but what nature can bring, and how our mind is not fully in our control. It is one of the saddest things I have ever known. | | |
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